Roman Claus: Gift Giver, Cheer Spreader, Dick To Children
by The Draigg
Summary: How would Roman Torchwick act around children during the Christmas season? Well, like a jerk, that's how. But, how much of jerk? And how does Neo feel about being an elf? Find out inside this one-shot now! (Written for the December MonCon over at /r/RWBY).


**_Roman Claus: Gift Giver, Cheer Spreader, Dick To Children_**

**Hey, readers! As you know, the holiday season is on the way (when this story was made, anyway), so I figure the best way to celebrate is to make a holiday special, just for you! That, and there's a contest prompt over at /r/RWBY for this. So, I might as well kill two birds with one stone here. But, before we get started, let me just tell you that I don't own RWBY in any way, shape, or form. Monty Oum does, on the other hand. Now let's get to some Yuletide cheer!**

**xxx**

Roman Torchwick groaned as he put on his costume. Here he was, stuck in a damn shopping mall in the middle of Vale City, when he could have been plundering homes while everyone was shopping. By the time it took to drive here and put on this rather oversized suit, he could have robbed three houses already. Good ones too, with plasma screen televisions, tons of jewelry, and no guard dogs to get in the way.

But no, he had to be here of all days. All because he—no, wait, Greek Candlestring didn't pay his parking tickets. Honestly, he felt pretty dumb for forgetting to do that. What was the point of having a cover identity if you had to actually take responsibility for the stuff you did under that name? Yet again, maybe he should have given a different address instead of his second most used one. Then maybe the cops wouldn't have given him mandatory community service as punishment.

Well, at least he wasn't alone in this. His partner in crime, Neo was here as well. Yet again, it wasn't like she had much of a choice. Roman paid for her bills, and he threatened to stop if she didn't share the suffering with him. So, the small girl was waiting for him by the locker room door, wearing an elf costume. It was a good thing she was mute, otherwise Roman had no doubt he would be getting an earful of curses and threats.

Putting on the final touch on his costume, the big white beard, Roman was now ready to do his job as a mall Santa. He'd rather be picking up trash by the side of the freeway than be doing this. At least then he wouldn't have to deal with those annoying brats parents passed off as children.

"Come on, Neo. Let's get this over with," Roman sighed as he walked towards the locker room exit. Silently nodding, Neo followed him into the hallway.

Internally, the girl was seething. If only she had her parasol right now, she would take out the stiletto and threaten to cut off her boss' balls. That would fill her with more cheer than what this whole damn season could offer.

**xxx**

Walking up to the throne set up for him, Roman slumped ungracefully into his seat. Man, it was uncomfortable. How did those morons running this place expect him to sit here for several hours? He'd have lumbar damage by the end of the day!

Neo took her position by the side of Roman, trying to put on her best smile. It wasn't all that hard. All she did was think about blood, murder, the look of a man giving his last breath, ice cream, death, a mother trying to explain to her children why daddy wasn't coming home anymore…

All of those ideas sent a shiver up Neo's spine. Okay, maybe she didn't need to get all THAT excited. Otherwise, she might need to take a few bathroom breaks for… personal reasons. So, she toned down the smiling a little. Nobody was really going to pay attention to Santa's little helper, anyways.

Unhooking the velvet divider, Neo let in the first child to sit on Roman's lap. Happily waddling his way over to the merrily-garbed criminal, the kid plopped hard onto Roman's lap, while his mother watched form the side.

"_Holy hell, this kid's a fat fuck. What does his beast of a mother feed him? Bricks?_" Roman internally groaned. But, since he had to do his job, he couldn't tell a kid to come back when he lost at least thirty pounds. So, he tried to make the best of his crappy situation.

"Ho ho, what do you want for Christmas, little boy?" asked Roman, completely uninterested and not even trying to sound like Santa Claus.

"I wanna space ship!" the excited boy replied.

"Are you sure you don't want a lap-band?" snarked Roman.

The boy furrowed his brow in confusion. "What's that?".

"Oh, never mind. Do you want a picture with Santa, or not, kid?" Roman flatly droned.

The child nodded, and Neo walked up, readying a severely out of date camera. Counting down with her fingers, Neo signaled to get ready for the photo. The bulb flashed, and the picture slid out of the camera's front slot a minute later. Pulling it out, Neo looked at the photo. The kid was smiling, and Roman was rolling his eyes. Well, at least she saw this one coming.

Handing the photo to the little boy, Neo waved goodbye to the kid and his mother as they walked off. One down, and a whole bunch more to go. This was going to be a long, long day. And, between being dressed as an elf with too many bells on her hat, and being forced to take photos, Neo wished for this day just to end already.

**xxx**

As Roman was made to play as a mall Santa for several hours, not every experience was notable enough to put down here. Instead, here are the highlights until his time was finished:

**xxx**

A little girl walked up to Roman in his chair. She had pigtails, a fluffy pink winter coat, and looked rather timid. Her dad was waiting over to the side for his girl to meet Santa and get her picture taken.

Roman begrudgingly picked up the little girl and placed her on his lap. Ever since that one fat kid at the beginning of the day, Roman made sure to say thanks that he hadn't gotten any more ham-beasts so far. This girl was very light, all things considered.

"Ah, little girl, what can Santa get you this year as a gift?" Roman dryly questioned.

"Ohhh, a pony…" the girl began.

"Uh-huh," pretend-listened Roman.

"And a princess castle…"

"Yeah…"

"A Cooker McCookerson play stove…"

"Got it…"

"…And for Grandpa to come back home," the little girl finished lowly.

Roman paused for a minute as he tried to comprehend the last wish. "Girl… is your grandpa dead?" he inquired. The little girl slowly nodded in response.

Leaning back into his chair, Roman said, "Well, I can't do that one. They probably took him to a special room and burned his corpse. Same thing happened to my old man."

"Wha-what?" the little girl squeaked, tears flowing from her eyes.

"Yeah, your pop-pop is probably ashes by now. Heck, I bet the casket your parents buried was empty," Roman continued, not noticing the father stepping over the divider and making his way towards the throne.

"I don't really get it. I mean, it's a waste of good lien—" Roman said right before the father of the little girl punched him in the face.

As Roman reeled form the blow, the man picked up his daughter and stepped back over the divider. As he walked away, he spat at Roman, "Asshole!"

"Yeah, fuck you too, prick," Roman said under his breath as he massaged his cheek. It pissed him off that he couldn't just go and beat the shit out of that guy right now. But, he had left his and Neo's weapons in the car, and by no means did he want to draw attention to himself by killing a guy while dressed as Santa. That would blow his cover incredibly hard.

Although he didn't know it, behind him Neo was quietly laughing to herself. A lot of catharsis was released when that man punched Roman in the jaw. Her only regret was not taking a picture at the right moment. But, at least she felt slightly better because of it.

**xxx**

After getting some ice for his jaw and covering up the forming bruise with his fake beard, Roman was ready as he really could be to deal with more brats that wanted free stuff from a mythical fat man wearing pajamas.

Except, this time, he didn't get a kid. What he got instead was a teenage girl. Just what the hell was she doing here? She looked to be at least fifteen or sixteen. She should be old enough to know that all of this stuff was stupid and made up. But, for some reason, Roman got the feeling she looked kind of familiar…

Off to the side, the friend she came here with was complaining. "Seriously, Ruby? You're way too old for this type of thing!" the girl in white observed.

Sitting down on Roman's lap, the girl named Ruby replied, "There's no such thing as being too old, Weiss!". Then, she turned and smiled at Roman.

Wait! Now he recognized her! It was that one girl who kept on showing up during his operations! Roman's pupils briefly dilated as he recognized the red cloak, hair, and voice. Damn it, he couldn't do anything! If he only had a weapon, he could take out this annoyance once and for all! All he could do was grit his teeth and deal with the hand he got dealt.

"W-what can I get for you, girlie? Something special?" Roman asked. "_Maybe a few rounds to the chest?_" he bitterly thought.

"Well, now that you asked…" the girl named Ruby said, pulling out several note cards out of her pocket.

Roman tried his best not to groan at the sight. Not only was an enemy of his sitting on his lap, but she was going to make him listen to a ton of banal shit? At this point, Roman honestly believed that some god was punishing him for something. He wasn't sure which one, though. He had lost track of how many collection plates he had stolen from.

"I want a Armitech model 3RC trigger and firing mechanism, a Ferro-Tool sharpening and oiling kit for gardening tools, a Hudson Arms variable-standard magazine set, maybe about five of those, a Cordine Inc. rifle repair and maintenance kit (with included oil), Silph Co. sighting scope, the enhanced night and aura sight version, extra fabric to repair my, uh, cloak here…"

Ruby listed more and more of the gifts she wanted. It took her about another seven minutes to completely go through all of the stuff she wanted for Christmas.

"… a Dr. Light Robotics Lab self-lubricating ball bearing set, an Anaheim Electronics wind and distance meter, a Future Industries stabilizing rifle stock, a collection of the rarest and finest cookies in the world, my partner to have a good Christmas, and for world peace!" Ruby finally finished.

"Are you quite done?" Roman tiredly asked.

"Yeah!" Ruby said as she excitedly nodded, like a happy puppy.

"Great. Wanna take a picture now, and move this along?" Roman asked further. He was so done with everything at this point, he just wanted this damn girl to get off his lap and leave already.

"Sure! Do it, elf lady!" said Ruby as she gestured at Neo. Rolling her eyes, Neo complied and stopped leaning on the throne's back.

Picking up the camera, Neo counted from three to one on her fingers, and press the camera button. Taking the photo that came out, she looked at it to make sure it developed properly. The Ruby girl was beaming brightly, and Roman looked like he was ready to die now. Neo was feeling the exact same way, after hearing that girl with the cloak ramble on for that long.

Neo gave the photo to Ruby, who then leaped over the barrier to catch up with her partner, who was already walking away. What did she call her? Weiss, or something like that? Whatever, like that was important. At least that girl was out of their hair now.

Roman and Neo readied themselves to see more children. Now, the both of them wished for death to take them away from here.

**xxx**

This time around, Roman didn't have Neo for any back up. For some reason, she began to smile even more, and her breathing got heavier. It wasn't like Roman didn't notice, she was practically breathing on the back of his neck. Then, without any warning, she just took off, heading in the direction of the bathrooms.

Roman groaned to himself as another kid walked up. He cursed at Neo in his head, as he had a pretty good idea what Neo left to do. "_Damn it, why couldn't she at least wait until she got back to the office? I swear, I'm taking more of her cut the next time we mug someone,_"

When the small boy sat on his lap, Roman forced himself to say, "And what can Santa get for you this year, little boy?"

The boy simply stared at him for a minute, before saying, "I want to see a man die,". The way he said it was as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

That took Roman aback a little. Did Neo invite her relatives or something? Because that honestly sounded like something she would say, if she could talk. "What, kid?" he asked in disbelief.

"I wanna see a man die. Like, drown or something. I dunno," the boy clarified.

"He means he wants a toy car, right sweetie?" the boy's mother said from over the barrier.

"No, I wanna see someone drown," the boy protested.

Stepping over the barrier, the mother pulled the boy off of Roman's lap. "No, how many times do I have to tell you, that isn't normal?". Then, turning to Roman, she apologized. "Sorry, he's just… a little different, okay?"

"Yeah, sure lady," Roman said with a wave of his hand. Man, these kids were getting weirder and weirder by the hour at this rate.

Nodding, the lady dragged her son away from the Santa throne. Roman could hear her scolding her kid as the pair walked away. Now that he thought about it, the White Fang would love someone like that, if that boy was a Faunus. Well, regardless, at least that freak was gone now. He very might have met one of Neo's distant cousins, as far as he knew.

Speaking of his helper, Neo shuffled her way back to the throne where Roman sat, a relaxed grin on her face. Once she got to her designated spot, she shifted around her eyes. Roman took this to mean, "What happened while I was gone?"

"A freak, pretty much. You might have liked him," Roman answered to the unspoken question. At that, Neo kicked Roman's shin for the perceived insult. But, because she was wearing those annoying elf shoes with bells at the ends, Roman couldn't take her jab seriously. The chiming made it pretty funny, actually.

Looking at his watch, Roman realized that his shift was over in five minutes. It was about damn time, too. He couldn't stand another hour in this hell hole of consumerism and spoiled brats running around with their parents. All he wanted to do was go back to his office, and enjoy the nice bottle of brandy he had stashed away.

"Well, looks like Santa is done for today," he said, standing up. He could feel several parts of his spine crack back into place. He was right, that chair practically ruined his back. After placing a sign that said, "Santa's out giving gifts" on the throne, Roman ducked under the velvet dividers.

"You coming, Santa's little helper?" Roman sneered at Neo. His assistant glared at him, but followed him regardless. She wanted to leave just as bad as he did.

And so, criminal Santa and the elf who fetishized death left to go back to the locker room.

**xxx**

Back in the locker room, Neo had changed out of her elf costume and back into her regular clothes. Now Roman was doing the same.

"You know, I realized something," Roman said as he put his regular suit back on. He paused, waiting for a reply from Neo. The girl simply gestured her hand for him to elaborate.

"This season's all about giving, right? Why shouldn't we give to ourselves?" elaborated Roman. Just as Neo was about to ask with body language what he meant, Roman straightened his scarf. Then, he picked a fire extinguisher off of the wall and smashed open the lock on a nearby locker.

Immediately, he began to plunder the locker, and stuff everything valuable into his pockets. Catching his drift, Neo grabbed the extinguisher that Roman had used and used it to break into a different locker. Seeing some valuables inside, Neo began to steal as well.

After all, it was the season of gifts and giving. What better way to celebrate it by getting gifts for yourself? After all, those people were giving Roman and Neo gifts, even if they didn't know it at the time.

Truly, the holidays were a magical season indeed.

**xxx**

**Wasn't that nice? I mean, it does fit the whole seasonal theme… kind of. Plus, who wouldn't want to see Roman be an asshole to a bunch of kids at a mall, while dressed as Santa Claus? The answer, is of course, nobody. Everyone wants to see that! And that's why I wrote it. Well, that, and like I said earlier, the MonCon contest over at /r/RWBY. But really, I wanted to write this anyway. So, there you have it! Enjoy it for what it is, and have a happy holiday season!**

**This has been The Draigg, and I'm signing off for now! (Gotta hang up those decorations)**


End file.
